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Courting Concerns & Lay Celibacy

Some Leeway in the Old Courting Rule, Please

Good Day to TIA,

I am writing in response to Dr Horvat's article "For Introductions, Who Takes the First Step, Man or Woman?" I agree wholeheartedly that we need to be Counter-revolutionary and strive to build a Catholic society under the reign of Christ the King, but I have serious concern about the ability of worthy traditional minded women to find good husbands, especially if they stick to the strict order that the man must act first.


A Russian moujik goes courting.
‘Sorry, too old fashioned for our times...’

The unfortunate fact is that there are not a lot of Traditionally raised Catholic young men. Many of the young persons drawn to Traditional Catholicism have been brought up in the feministic infused, egalitarian culture in which we live. Even if they are Catholic, the Church of Vatican II has unfortunately accepted the feminist ethos in many aspects.

I do not think it fair to say just because a woman takes the initial lead that the marriage will forever be forever "badly influenced by this choice". There are many good young men who long for Traditional-minded, modest young women for Catholic marriage, but they have not had the training or good examples of how to go about it. This does not mean he will forever be a mealy mouthed child waiting for his wife to tell him what to do.

I agree with the premise that the man should be the "hunter", but I fear you are inhibiting young ladies from meeting good men by so strictly standing on principles that are so foreign to today's society in which these potentially great Catholic husbands and fathers have been raised, through no fault of their own.

I pray that someday this will not be the case and that a reawakening of a true Catholic culture occurs, but in the meantime we need to help young ladies find good men, not make them feel guilty if they say hello.

     God be praised in ALL things

       Deacon D. L.


TIA responds:

Greetings Deacon D.L.,

We appreciated your comments, and realize the predicament that the feminization of men in modern culture has made for young ladies who would like to be properly courted. However, the other half of the problem is the masculinization of women. If young ladies decide to make concessions to the spirit of the modern day world and take bolder positions, they effectively admit defeat in this battle of the cultural war that wants to make women like men.

The battle for a restoration of Christian Civilization and truly Catholic home, where the husband is the authentic head of the home and provider, will never be won with half measures. We hope your letter may spur some young men who may read it to realize how important it is for them, if they want to be the head of their homes and families, to act like men and make the first initiative in the courting process.

This takes the onus off the young women, who should not have to be put in a position of relaxing their principles to adapt to the morals of the revolutionary world. In many ways, the reason men no longer take the initiative is because women lowered their standards and became content with an egalitarian relationship. If all young women who would like to find  good husbands would keep their standards high, those young men would soon realize that they must change their behavior in order to find wives.

Moving to the supernatural plane, the young woman who tries to be feminine and demure, cultivating what is the best in the womanly spirit, will be rewarded for her confidence that Our Lady will watch, guide and provide what is right for her.

This is especially true for those wise young women who consecrate themselves as slaves to Our Lady following the method of St. Louis de Montfort. Having become her property, they can be certain Our Lady will take special care of them and find the way to give them what they need on this earth so that they might fulfill their vocations and reach the safe port of Heaven.


      TIA desk


Isn't the Single Life a Danger to Purity?


Re: Celibacy Is a Life of Greater Perfection

Ok, so may I ask a question here about the single life?

Don’t you think it’s dangerous to be single and living in the world well except one is super detached from the world and living like a hermit. But if one has normal life and should live a single life, in my opinion there will be too many obstacles...

We cannot forget that the purpose of marriage is to avoid fornication. Even the Church Fathers talked a lot about this.

Correct me if I am wrong it is stated in Casti Connubii.


Dr. Horvat responds:


My first observation is that the solicitations of impurity do not constitute an imperative to choose the married life. A person with a vocation to be a lay celibate has many means to fight against impurity. The principal aids are prayer and an assiduous recurrence to the Sacraments.

The problem of fornication, which is a reality as you pointed out, in large measure comes from the fact that the youth – both young women and young men – leave their homes to rent apartments with persons of the same age or alone, often in places distant from their homes where they know few people or no one. In the apartments with others revolutionary ambiences are established where a very bad competition starts with their roommates to see who has more dates, is more socially active, etc.

In such compromised moral environments, it is in fact very difficult to maintain the practice of the Commandments. So, our suggestion for Catholic youth (and parents) who are concerned about the health of their souls, is to avoid leaving home.

lonely apartment living

Lonliness & boredom can lead to accept dangerous invitations for parties & dates

If a young woman lives alone in an apartment, she very easily may become lonely and seek company. In the encounters with the opposite sex she will be often subject to impure solicitations and thoughts.

This is why, in Catholic countries in the past, women remained in the home if they chose to be lay celibates. There they had the consolation and daily convivium of their family lives and also the protection of their fathers; the home was a safeguard for their purity.

Young men, also, generally lived at home if they did not marry, caring for the parents. If he purchased his own home or rented an apartment, it was generally near family members or good Catholic relatives and friends, so he should have the company of familiar relatives and friends; in return he would also offer his help and assistance when he saw a need. This kind of organic living situation allayed the alienation felt by modern youth in their apartments far from home.

So, my response is: The problem of purity exists for single people, but prayer, frequency of the Sacraments and the healthy company of good relatives and friends can be a solution for them to be faithful.

In the future I plan to write an article addressing one of the false notions about the single life entertained by many modern young women – and, sadly, usually their parents as well. It is that the single life is an invitation to have a brilliant career in the world, adopting a profession that should belong to a man (lawyer, doctor, investment advisor, etc.) and asserting an absolute independence from her parents. I will leave this false conception of life to deal with at another time.

Three vocations, not two

Another point to keep in mind is that the Church in her wisdom preached three vocations: the highest being the religious life; the second, the single state; the third, the married life. In the married state, the highest and primary purpose of marriage is the generation and formation of the offspring; the second purpose is the mutual help of spouses, and the third is the remedy for concupiscence.

Further, the Church strongly counseled a man or woman to determine whether they were psychologically, physically and financially capable of fulfilling the first end of marriage before they considered marriage as a vocation. Unfortunately, these practical considerations are rarely mentioned today.

Many young persons who marry today follow the romantic and erroneous path of believing that the only thing necessary for marriage is "love," and that the primary end of marriage is their own happiness, something they deserve on this earth. So, when love ends, the marriage fails, and they begin the search for happiness with another man or woman.

It is the endless and futile cycle that starts when Catholics fall for the American myth that they have a "right" to happiness, instead of first seeking the glory of God and embracing the Cross that inevitably enters into any state of life.

Rather than reject offhand the lay celibacy, we invite you to read our series on the Single Vocation. We also suggest that you make your consecration to Our Lady, who, as your Queen and Mistress, will direct and guide you in the vocation that God has chosen for you.


     TIA correspondence desk


She's always with Her Mother!


Re: For Introductions, Who Takes the First Step, Man or Woman?

I do like a girl that goes to the Latin Mass I attend but she always is around her mom, any advice?


TIA responds:


We believe that if you read the article on Introductions again carefully, you will find the answer to your question in it.


A man paying a visit to a young lady & her mother; proper in the past & present

To present the solution clearly: You should find a friend who can introduce you properly to the young lady and her mother, and then converse with both of them. After that, you can approach them both each Sunday, conversing, showing an interest in their lives and paying a polite attention to both.

The young lady will quickly understand your interest in her. She will ask her mother to find a way to invite you to some other event or gathering, at which both will be present.

If she does not show any signs of reciprocation, you have two options: first, retreat and look for someone else; second, continue the pursuit, always showing signs of respect and amiableness. A young lady who at first is not interested in a suitor can often become so simply because the young man persists in the pursuit.

We hope this is of some help to you.


     TIA correspondence desk


Blason de Charlemagne
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Posted October 15, 2020

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